There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
. . . every morning is the dawn of a new error.

For people who like piece and quiet . . . a phoneless cord!

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents moral decay!

Madness takes aits toll. Please have exact change ready.

Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Did you ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" . . . 'till you can find a rock!

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath . . . you know where to apply.

Mechanic's slogan: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department.

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.